Search for Christ

I've been a man thirsty after the things of God. I was left thirsty and frustrated, with a feeling of hopelessness. I always fell short and was told that it was OK. "You just need to learn to live with it."
I started with a thirst for God's wisdom. I studied His Word and asked God to give me wisdom. I found great wisdom in Church, the Bible, and other books. But I found nothing over time that would fill the void.
I then went out to serve God. I became a Church-holic for Christ. I began to humbly and quietly start meeting the needs of God's saints. I found my service to be devoured by the saints, with little change to them or me over time.

I woke up one morning to find myself separated from God in deep pain. I could feel the knife of separation stuck deep inside me. I screamed out to God and man in a mad rage. I fought everyone because how could it be my fault after I had tried so hard for 6 years. Then I realized that all I needed to do is give up. I needed to ask God to help me twist the knife until I really understand what I had done. Then I gave all my rage to God to be replaced with a thirst to spend time with Him.


Oh Dear Lord,

I'm so alone, in a sea of sin. When I try to find refuge in church, I find myself standing alone in a sea of Christians, who have given up on a relationship with you for obedience to you. Your grace no longer is a reason for them to keep searching to know You deeper, but has become a reason for them never to give up on trying to obey You.

The times I feel close to You are cut short by the world around me. Then the fact that the more time I spend with you the more I feel out of place in this world even with "Christians," just ripped me apart. This pushes me to start avoiding You. I am not made to be alone nor am I made to be without You. But this is what I'm forced with and it's just short of hell on earth. I either try to be obedient through the grace of God with the many or I seek a deep relationship with Christ using the grace of God to keep anything from coming between us but stand alone in an icy sea of theology ("mind over Christ" what a way to live, no wonder we have so many Christian counselors). May You never let me stop seeking both You in others, fellowship, and You inside of me, the Holy Spirit.